Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
