so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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