Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
