i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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