i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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