So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
