did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
