So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
