My friends, they love my intelligence
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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