It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
