You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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