I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
