Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
