He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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