Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
