Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
this boner is exhausting
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
