Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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