running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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