nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
