i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
