Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
