I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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