I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
There are leaves in my underwear?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
