yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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