I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Randomize
