dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
