Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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