i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
