When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
