that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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