if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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