I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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