Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Bring me that man meat
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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