I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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