it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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