That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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