I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
