It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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