mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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