Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
