True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
