I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
