He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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