I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
