Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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