I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
