So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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