My sheets look like a crime scene.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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