i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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