Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
