having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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