So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
