I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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