4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
