I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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