I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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