i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
