sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
