a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
