On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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