It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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