Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
