On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
