shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
